I met up with an old friend for lunch today. Justin and I were neighbours, we are the same age. He and his family migrated to Canada before we began secondary school. We have not seen each other in years.
Want to know a secret?
He was my first business partner. (There, nothing shocking there ….. you wish! didn’t you??) My mother has reminded me of the fact that when I was about 11 years old, I made stickers and he sold them on the school bus for a few cents each. That’s about where my business sense stops.
But seriously now ….. The secret is that … for what seemed like the longest time, I have always been uncomfortable updating old friends about my current status: Full-Time, Stay-At-Home Mom.
Because I NEVER wanted to be what I am today. Not in a million years.
I wanted to be Someone.
I wanted to be a decent piano player. I wanted to use my law degree for some good. I fancied that my last job as an eligibility officer at the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees meant I could actually do something meaningful in the world. And that I amounted to something. Or someone.
I am now 35. (I am actually going on 36, but let us not go there.)
Many are the days when I feel I amount to nothing. All of my dreams, my past accomplishments, the 3+ years I spent studying a postgraduate degree, have all vanished in a puff of smoke.
Panic sometimes overtakes me, because I am now 35 and have narry a career to speak of. There is a frequent restlessness in my heart, a pain that I have had nothing to show in the past 5 years, except this ……..
Crayon drawings where they should not be.
The kitchen sink. Laundry. And flat, ugly, comfortable shoes. I have a love-hate relationship with Crocs.
It has been a rude, unpleasant, and sick-to-the-stomach experience to feel that Life does not revolve around Me. I am Nobody. No One. With money simply enough for bills, the occasional meal out and other necessities. I try to avoid thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, my parents might squelch at having to answer questions about me from their friends whose children are now Managing Directors, CEOs and near-multi millionaires.
Over the few years I have struggled with rejecting-yet-embracing the disease of FT SAHM, God has opened my eyes to a few things:
He is good. And His gifts are Beautiful Beyond Expectations.
My husband, my best friend, soul mate, and most loyal supporter.
(Here, I’d show you pictures of my 3 lovely children, but cannot because of … er…. security reasons. Note my last job.)
Knowing, still, that in the big scheme of things, I am Nobody. But that is alright, because God is remoulding me into Someone – chipping away at my impatience, insecurities, restlessness, selfishness and grumpiness. As a family, we have enough to live on, and we have lacked nothing.
Doing what I am truly at peace to be doing – raising 3 happy, healthy and vivacious Bunnies, learning how to understand them, watching them grow as we homeschool, passing on to them my deepest, cherished values. They spend a wonderful amount of time with their Papa, and as a family, we are beginning to make an impact on poor, disenfranchised communities within our circle of influence.
I still struggle – a lot – with seemingly meaningless domesticity, Bunny quarrels and hitting. But I am where I am supposed to be. I am making a serious impression on my children. I am the ever-eccentric mom.
I have the best job in the world.
And I am so BLESSED.